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Nikolai Forge
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 I declare, fair and square.

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Posts : 24
Join date : 2013-11-25

PostSubject: I declare, fair and square.   Thu Dec 05, 2013 11:12 pm

I declare so that my character, Furaibou Balmung, may advance to the Chunin rank because he needs Kekkei Genkai to be cool.
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Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-11-19
Age : 23
Location : Behind you.

PostSubject: Re: I declare, fair and square.   Thu Dec 05, 2013 11:21 pm

Mmkay, Octo. I'll make this a decent test. Remember, you are here to offer and advertise to the Admins your general advancement from basic RP and literary efficiency to advanced and above-average proficiency.

We will be looking for:

- Above average grammar

- Above average sentence phrasing

-Above average understanding of RP

- Intellectual literary prowess

- Unique writing style

- Obvious advancement from previous level of skill

Here is your test.

Furaibou is traveling within the new world, and comes across someone from the Star village. Furaibou takes a liking to this person (Can be male or female, love or friendship). Yet after a week of enjoying each other's company, the Star Shinobi explains that they will die in the next twenty-four hours. Explain what happens in 1,000 words.
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PostSubject: Re: I declare, fair and square.   Fri Dec 06, 2013 4:00 am

Having overheard the blacksmith shop owner talk with a merchant about a rare ore found in the depths of a hellish underwater abyss, able to make stainless weapons while still being able to make them three times as hard as regular steel, Furaibou felt motivated to go look for it. He read about a similar ore in his first visit to the local library, and he learned it could be found in the depths of the river he used to visit every day for kayak strolls. So finally, after gathering enough courage, he decided to go look for said ore. Getting to the river's shore, he changed into his swimming clothes (Or, in other words, just removed his armor) and jumped into the depths of the river. He tried going deeper, but his fear of an oxygen loss kept holding him back. However, when he was about to swim to the surface, he saw a bamboo stick far away, probably for oxygenation purposes, which lead into a giant dome based on the bottom of the river. After swimming for a while trying to get there, Furaibou noticed he was running out of air, and he forgot to refill when he had the chance. To his demise, he already went more than halfway through to the dome, and attempting to go back would result in lack of air. So Furaibou tried, with all of his strength, to get to the dome before his oxygen supply ran out, and he almost did- save for a few meters. After passing out, a tentacle inside the dome dragged him in before he got too far away, and let him down on the floor, inside the dome.
A few hours later, Furaibou woke up. The first thing he could notice was that he was underwater, but breathing somehow. Standing up in surprise, he fell to the floor again after seeing a giant violet anemone washing dishes with its own spit and organizing food inside a crate, all of that using her tentacles. The anemone didn't even seem far from a fairy tale- it had human eyes, a grotesque-looking beak, and warts all over her body. Just what the heck was going on? Furaibou, stunned, kept looking at the beast as it if was a birthday gift- and a bad one at that. The anemone, hearing the sound of the dirt caused by the boy's sudden collapse, caused her to turn around, and, seeing that the boy had finally woke up, decided to greet him. " 'ello, whippersnapper! I thought ye'd have kicked the bucket for a second there", the anemone said, with the rugged voice of an old woman. Furaibou noticed the odd bandanna the anemone was wearing- it had a strange symbol he had never seen before. "Who are you, and where did you come from?", Furaibou asked, filled with curiosity, yet afraid something would go wrong. "Ah, I see the young chap has a keen eye, eh? M'name's Clover, but ye can call me Clamps. Get it? A pun on Clamp and Gramps? Because oysters clamp their victims?...", Clover said, trying to cheer up the seemingly helpless boy. "B-but... where is that symbol in your bandanna from?", the boy asked, looking for an answer. "Ah hah! Sorry, I'd forgotten that ye asked. Y'see, dis symbol right here? It belongs to the Star village. Ah, my hometown, where the grass is green and the roses are blue... Wait, that's not how it goes", the old anemone said. While the anemone was trying to remember, Furaibou thought about the village. Maybe it had some rare ore perfect for weapon-making, or maybe some expert blacksmith Furaibou could learn about- he decided he'd look it up when he returned home, because, apparently, the anemone had already lost a nut or two. "Ah, chap! Y'should listen to my story, cuz I say, and I promise, it's gonna take your spine out of yer back!", the anemone said, trying to fish the boy's interest. "Ok... T-tell me your story then", Furaibou said"
"A'right, listen up, chap...
There was once a man, a good man, had a wife an' everythin'. They used to live happily, in de bottom o' a chasm, considered by many as the depths of many a demon's abyss an' home. De woman an' her man bar'ly got visitors, but dey still could manage to get food on de table. One day, a wat'r current the size of many sea monsters flooded the area, destroying deir home. De man, abandoning her wife, thought she may seek f'r revenge someday, but, unable to kill her, he sealed her into the body of a giant anemone, cursing her to many years of loneliness and grantin' her an ugly face. Even still, de anemone curse was merely to hold her in place; de woman still had to breathe oxygen. So she had to live inside a chakra bubble, taking air from a small tube to survive, and keep her fam'ly's food stock and de river's fish to avoid from starvin'. That's de tale of a Jounin, curs'd to be an anemone forev'r

It didn't take long to realize that the stick in the middle of the dome was hollow, clearly for oxygenation purposes. It was also easy to notice that the Jounin in the story was Clover, when she was young. "Ah, chap. I'd only wish I was younger... I could hold up this whol' place for a week or so before I run out of me Chakra to keep this bubble", she said, lamenting. "Miss Clamps... If you wouldn't mind, could you allow me to help you with housekeeping?", Furaibou said, feeling sorry for her. The anemone, accepting, told him he should go to sleep right away, since it was sleep time already. Clover made a bed out of moist dirt for Furaibou, yet sleeping on them was kind of uncomfortable at first for the boy, but he got used to it during the third day of his stay. During the week, he helped Clover to catch fish, wash the dishes, cook the food- basically, everything required for housekeeping. After a whole week, Clover, seeming to be more tired than usual, called Furaibou for some words- probably her last. "Ye seem liv'ly, chap. Sorry, but yer Clamps is getting too old for this, y'know? I may have to leave soon, to be found inside Davy Jones' lock'r, sometime... Until then, ye bett'r leave, or ye'll be taken too", Clover said. "You mean... You are dying, Clamps? Isn't there anything else I can do for you?", Furaibou asked. "Aye...  ther's sum'thing I want you to do bef're dat... Ye got a full day before yer old Clamps hugs Thanatos, ye see", she said. Telling Furaibou that she wanted to die on land, he grabbed her by the tentacles, attempting his best to pull her into the shore. After attempting a few times (with each attempt taking hours), Furaibou could finally manage to pull her out of the bubble and take her to the river's shore. The dome then vanished, and all of the furniture made of dirt was taken away by the current. The boy held her tentacle as she closed her eyes while asking for his name. "Furaibou Balmung...", he said.
Giggling, she let go of his hand, only for her soul to be claimed by Davy Jones afterwards.
"Crap... I'll have to think about the ore later. I have to bury this lady first", he thought.
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Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-11-19
Age : 23
Location : Behind you.

PostSubject: Re: I declare, fair and square.   Sun Dec 08, 2013 6:17 am

Unfortunately, you will not be advancing in rank this week, Octocactus. It was definitely bordering, yet it ended up falling towards Genin. You showed a general level of average proficiency, in both writing and structure. Some tips would be to type the paragraphs with more form, instead of multiple word walls with no actual structure. A thesaurus is a writer's best friend as well. There are some words which could have been written with more detail. Sentence phrasing was not bad, but the correct use of commas in addition to semi-colons would have increased your score. Feel free to Declare next Thursday, and I look forward to seeing your name in red.
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I declare, fair and square.
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